I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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