just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
