i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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