I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
