I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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