I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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