Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
