on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
