my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
