This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
