I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
