so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
