Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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