he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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