So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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