My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
