I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
