he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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