2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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