everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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