I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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