Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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