be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
