dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Randomize
