I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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