I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
