I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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