why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
