I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
