remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
