my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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