Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
