I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
