but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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