I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
