The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
sarcasm needs its own font
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
