I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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