perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
