I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
