Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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