We're facebook friends in real life
I faked an abortion last night.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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