I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
