You're completely useless in the revolution.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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