amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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