I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
