look no pants
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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