I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
