And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
