When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
