I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
