On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I have fence marks all over my body
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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