I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
