my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I supernannyed him into submission
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